The Burdens of Marriage

Great title, huh?  No worries.  Read on and you’ll see what it means…

At the church that my wife and I are a part of here in College Station, we just finished up a two week series on dating and sex.  It was incredible.  With a congregation of about 50-70 single college students, Thad, who did all the speaking, took on a monster of a topic and punched it square in the face.

(I’m not sure that analogy was near as effective as the baseball player knocking the ball out of the park, but I try to do my best to avoid a cliche)

Anyways, it was really great, and there were several times when I was listening and I thought to myself, “Thank God I already got married.”  Thad brought up some very truthful points about the brokenness of how we, as Christians, date.  It certainly was easier hearing his teachings now that Terri and I are married, but that’s not to say that how we dated was any sort of staple for relationships, because it definitely wasn’t.

We dated for over three years and the last two years of that was rough.  I look back on it now and I just shake my head.  Why did we waste two years of being able to have what we have now being married?  It’s heartbreaking, and unfortunately we have carried in some baggage on our shoulders because of how long we stretched out our dating.

I’m not saying that we are in any way unhappy in our marriage.  That’s not at all the case.  We are both happier than we’ve been in our entire lives.  It’s just a little depressing that we waited three years to get here.

Anyways, Thad brought up one point during his sermon that I thought was fantastic and it really made me think about Terri and I’s dating situation.  His point was that when we choose to date for a long time, we reach a point in the relationship where we start sampling things that are meant only for marriage.  Sex, of course, is a major one of those things, but that’s not entirely what he was talking about.

After a certain amount of time, we start acting like we are married in several different ways, whether it’s the way we touch each other, treat each other, or even talk to each other.  This was an entirely new idea for me, but once he touched on it, it clicked, and I just started thinking of all the ways that was true for when Terri and I were dating.

The intimacy of the relationship (and I’m not just talking about sex) eventually will hit a wall, where you have grown so close physically, spiritually, and emotionally, that your only options are to A. get married, B. act like you’re married or C. back off from each other, allowing hurt and suffering to ensue.  Only one of those options is a good one (…it’s A).

And again, I’m not trying to preach from the pulpit, because I’m honestly more guilty of this than any person I know.  I desperately wish that I had figured this out two years ago, but again, God has redeemed the failure to be obedient in our dating and allowed a lot of positive things to come out of it.  Now we are together, and it’s great, and it’s for the rest of our lives, which I am pretty excited about.

Anyways, in going along with what Thad was saying, he also made the observation that once we hit the “dating wall” and start acting like we are married when we are not, we start taking on the burdens of marriage that we are not meant to have while being single (not married).  As soon as he had said this, I knew it was true, but I couldn’t exactly distinguish the specific examples of this in Terri and I’s dating.

So over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been really trying to think of what kind of burdens that Thad was talking about.

Well I was able pinpoint a few of them, and I thought it would be great to share them with whoever reads this blog, because I think it would help a lot in avoiding dealing with these burdens when it’s not quite time for them.

First off, one of the hardest things for Terri and I during the last couple of years was the amount of attention and time that we gave to each other.  Very often Terri would become frustrated and even downright hurt because I would choose to do a lot of things over spending time with her.

This would include hanging out with my roommates, studying, playing video games (you have no idea how stupid that makes me feel to say that), and even just relaxing by myself.  We had become so close to each other in our relationship that the amount of time that I was setting aside for us was never enough for her.

This is of course not a fault of hers.  Had I proposed at any point over the last two years, she would have immediately said “yes.”  But at the same time, this isn’t entirely selfish on my part.  Yes, there was certainly a lot of selfishness involved, but by not being married, I was having to take on the responsibility of spending the right amount of quality time together, when I still had the freedom to live as a single (not married) person can.

Now there is one stipulation to this.  Now that we are married, this is not in any way, shape, or form a burden to either of us, but while we were dating, it was, and a very tough one at that.  There was a lot of frustration and hurt feelings that came out of it.

And by the way, it’s amazing how much getting married solved this problem.  (I’m picturing very specific people reading this, laughing, and thinking “I told him so.”)

Moving on…

The second example that I thought of was the desperate need for honest and open communication.  When you get married, it is absolutely crucial that you are able to speak freely and openly about some very intimate things (again, I’m not just talking about sex).  You will find that it makes settling into a healthy marriage a hundred times easier and a lot less painless.

This is very hard and often dangerous to do while dating, but again, you reach a certain point of closeness with each other that this type of open communication is really needed.  Otherwise we start to try and read each others minds and assume what the other is thinking, and without being able to talk about it, these assumptions can and will lead to a lot of unneeded confusion and offense.

This actually ties into my last example that I was able to think of.

We are soon forced, after a certain amount of time dating, to be able to identify and satisfy the needs of the other person and at the same time, having to deal with their faults as well.  This is actually a very common burden within marriage.  If we aren’t identifying the needs of our spouse, with things like sex, emotional needs, and even simple chores around the house, then we are going to have a pretty unhappy mate.

Having to mess with these things outside of the realm of marriage is really going to take its toll on the relationship, because you don’t have the permanence and promise of your marital covenant to help you handle the needs and faults of the other person.

When you do have that covenant, there is an actual protection and even blessing that God gives you.  He knows how messed up and selfish we are, and as long as we have made the commitment to glorify him through our lasting marriage, he is going to bless us with the ability to handle the burden of unselfishly tending to our spouses needs and also to accept their faults and help them deal with those faults.  Without that blessing, there’s no chance of fulfilling these things in our relationships.  And again, I know this first hand.

Terri and I had so many physical and emotional needs that, despite our best efforts, weren’t being satisfied, and a big reason for this was that we couldn’t freely communicate it to each other because of the intimacy involved.  It’s unbelievably frustrating when you are trying to figure out what the other person needs and entirely missing the mark.

Of course, this does not get completely solved by saying your “I do’s”.  It takes a lot of screwing up and stumbling about to become good at it.  We are discovering this just about every day.  But from my experience of three and a half years of dating, I do know that there’s no chance of being successful at it if you aren’t married.

You can listen to Thad’s two teachings on dating here.  I would definitely recommend you to take the time to check them out, even if you aren’t dating. It’s some good, solid stuff that develops right out of the scriptures.