Ball and Chains

It’s funny that after you get married, your whole experience at weddings is seen from an entirely different perspective, as if you’re wearing some kind of special glasses that allow you to see things you never saw before.

My great friend Josh, who I play a lot of music with, married his girlfriend of seven years on Friday, and I was fortunate to be one of his groomsman.

It’s not that you start appreciating the flower arrangements more or that you take notice of all the little choices that the couple made for the reception. I’m talking more about the important stuff:

The ceremony itself.

All of the sudden, the vows, the kiss, the unity candle (or canvas in Josh and Whitney’s case) all seem so much more important than they did before. Why is that? Why do you see the “I do’s” so differently after you’ve said them yourself?

Because you know what follows the “I do”.

You know what kind of intimacy is ahead and how different you will look at that person for the rest of your life.

You know what it means to go from living entirely for yourself to just wanting to make your spouse happy, whatever it takes.

So when Josh and Whitney spoke their vows and he dipped her for their first kiss as husband and wife, I was in awe of how incredible the whole ceremony really is.

It’s unbelievable to understand the actual transformation that has taken place when the couple walks back down the aisle together.

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I also realized that there is something that happens at weddings that I have grown to really hate. It’s not the YMCA or the garter/bouquet toss. (I’ve always hated those)

It’s the cold feet jokes.

While we were waiting up in the bar room so Whitney to take her photos outside before the wedding, a relative of Josh’s said three times something to the effect of “Last chance, Josh. I can still sneak you out the back unnoticed.”

I wanted to throw the guy down the stairs.

First off, it’s not really that funny, because cold feet jokes have been run into the ground.

Secondly, I’m not sure we can even assume it’s actually a joke after the guy said it three times.

And third, what good does it do to make those comments to a man who is twenty minutes away from what should be one of the greatest moments of his life? Does he really need to start thinking that he’s running himself straight into a trap?

The thing is, those kind of comments should be unacceptable.

Why are we always treating marriage as if it’s the end of freedom, as if living a full life as a bachelor is the sensible alternative?

This is why so many people are waiting till they are thirty to get married, because we are all hearing that the fun stops at the alter, and this is simply not right.

This is not just me picking on Josh’s relative. These jokes and this attitude towards marriage runs rampant throughout the marital process.

• Photographers asking the groomsmen to pose as if they are forcing the groom up to the alter for a picture that is sure to inspire their future kids someday.
• Ball and chains.
• Going on a pleasure binge at bachelor and bachelorette parties to savor every last ounce of freedom that remains.

You may think I am overreacting to what are just simple jokes, and maybe I am. But I really think this is all a part of our culture’s general outlook on what we think marriage is like, and it’s not helping us at all to see it in its true light.

Call me crazy, but I think it’s time to put the cold feet jokes to rest…

…at least for the sake of not telling lame jokes anymore.